Dating and Courting

I learnt that the butterfly feeling or tingling feeling will definitely die....it last for at most 2 years or less.

There are 2 stages of this romantic relationship.
1. The first stage when the butterfly/tingling feeling is still existing that makes u feel like u are in heaven with ur bae or boo.

2. And the Intentional stage where u have to make deliberate choices and commitment to take the relationship further and make it work.

I have gleaned from the things we have said that dating is a time of friendship. It's a time of getting to know each other better.  And it's a phase from which we know if we intend to take the relationship further into courtship.

While it's normal to feel butterflies in our tummies during dating, I have come to learn that they are not all that reliable. We cannot rely on butterfly feelings to push us into courtship or marriage.

What is courtship?
Courtship is where we make deliberate choices. Over the period of dating, you must have discovered some things. Now imagine you are to spend 50yrs of your life with that person. Can you cope? Does your purpose align. Can you submit to him or her? Even when you see other beautiful ladies, do you have this deep sense of God gave me the best that is best for me?

If he or she was stripped of their potentials. Would you still be loving and be there?
Courtship is about making deliberate choices/decisions.

But anyway I basically understand it to be part of a relationship where both parties agree to confirm their compatibility while aiming for marriage.

At the long wrong, marriage is beyond potentials and fame. Can you really give it all up for who that person really is? When you do your background check and discover she is from a divorced or separated home or you discover he is from a home where the father is bad etc. Would you still claim what you have for them.

As we know God has many children. The biblical standard is not to be unequally yoked so anybody in Christ is the will of God. It is now left for us to examine our inner man and see if we can cope with that person. Everybody is not meant for you and also no single person is meant for you. God has so many sons and daughters who are doing great. Our characters differs based on how well we allow the Holy spirit work in us.

I don't pretend to know everything. I try to read books and posts on marriage and relationships, but I have come to learn that it's until you are inside the thing, before you can learn the real lessons.

Growing up, as a young Christian, I honestly thought dating was bad. I thought once I liked/loved someone, then our relationship should lead to marriage.

My first relationship, I was the capital of naivety! No wonder the guy broke up with me after 9 months only. The thing come be like pregnancy.

But over the years, I have come to learn lessons from that relationship. And these are the lessons I have learnt:

Lesson 1: Involve God: We cannot do these things by ourselves. We don't have the wisdom or the grace outside of God to handle the pressures that relationships bring. Always ask God for wisdom. My former relationship I spoke about, I tended to use my little brain to try and figure out everything. But my brain was not sufficient for such a task. Involve God from the very beginning of the relationship. Ask Him for wisdom at every point. Wisdom to handle yourself, your emotions and the other person. Very key!

Lesson 2: Work on yourself: I learnt this lesson the hard way. I went into that relationship thinking I was a good person and that that goodness should be enough for the guy. Being in that relationship made me realise that I had tendencies to be insecure, jealous, selfish, immature, quickly angered, sometimes foolish sef and so many other negative traits.

Over the years, I have been working on myself by God's grace. I have had to learn to be patient, to put the other person first, to stop being presumptuous or quick to judge. I have come to realise that no matter my good intentions, if I don't work on myself, men will run away from me. It's not been particularly easy, but it's been worth it.

Lesson 3: Have a Merry heart: Oh, how this is for me! In my former relationship, any little quarrel was an opportunity for me to pout and display childish anger.  I liked it when the other party would beg me. However I have come to realise something about men... They can beg you initially, but after sometime, omo, you're on your own. All those begging will stop. Infact, when I was angry then, my ex would turn the anger on me ehn that before I knew it, I'd be the one begging him. I have come to realise that having a Merry heart breathes life into a relationship each day!  No matter the other person does or does not do. No matter how you're feeling sef...be merry, be joyful. It will help give you peace and help make your relationship peaceful.

Lesson 4: Lower your expectations: Some of us are looking for a man that is tall, dark and handsome, Holy Ghost filled and Naira loaded! Some guys are looking for a lady with legs as straight as Abuja roads, fair as the sun, not too slim and not too fat, Infact ehn, I can imagine God smiling and shaking His head when we present our wish list for a  spouse to Him. I have learnt to lower my expectations in my partner. I shouldn't expect him to be able to satisfy my every desire. Only Jesus can do that for me! Unhealthy expectations destroy relationships. Some men want their women to be able to cook, wash, clean and do so many things. I ask people, so if a woman can't cook, does it mean she can't make a good wife? Or if a man came change a light bulb or a car tyre, does he mean he won't make a good husband? You can lower your expectations without lowering your standards!

That man/that woman, might not have all you're looking for in a spouse. But ask yourself...is he/she a good person? Is he/she a lover of God? Does he/she love you? Does he/she respect you? Does he/she have a vision? My brother/sister, if he/she does, abeg carry your 'kaya' and be going. Many men/women are looking for someone like your partner. Cherish them!  Don't be like Adekunle Gold who said 'the grass is greener on the other side, that's what I thought before I took the ride...' I hope we know the song 'Ire' by Adekunle Gold?

Lesson 5: Pray, Pray and when you don't know what to do, pray again: Chai! the hardest time to pray for your partner is when you're angry with that person. Have you noticed? It's so hard! But that's when you should even intensify the prayers. Pray everytime and everywhere. Pray for God's wisdom for your relationship. Pray for your partner when he annoys you. Take his/her matter to God. Report him/her to God. Let's not allow the devil get an entry into our relationships.  I keep a prayer journal today, where I write prayers for myself and my ‘bobo’. I speak words of faith into his life! I call those things that be not as though they were. We can make our partners the things we want them to be on the altar of prayer. Pray when you don't feel like it, pray about your in-laws to be, pray about how you want your marriage to be, pray about how you want your husband/wife to be. Sha be praying sha...

Before I go, let me share that we need to also be content with who God has blessed us with. That man/woman might not look like it now. But trust God, trust the process and believe in your partner. Encourage him/her to greatness. With you by his/her side, he/she will develop wings and soar!